How to Stop Reacting in Ways You Later Regret

As much as we’d all like to think that an apology will fix a major “oops, did I say that out loud?” moment, the reality is that if it did, therapists would be out of a job.

Why not? Why can’t people just move on after we’ve apologized and be done with it?

Because biologically, we’re actually wired to remember bad things. When we feel hurt, scared, or dismissed, our brains store that moment differently than neutral memories in order to protect us. It’s evolution doing its job: if something hurt you once, your brain wants quick access to that memory to protect you in case it happens again.

That’s why people remember tone, facial expression, and exact words long after the argument is over. It also means that one apology rarely erases the emotional imprint.

So what actually helps? The work you do to understand yourself before your next reaction happens, that’s what. Here is what that looks like in therapy.

 

Admit to Yourself

They say the first step to change is admitting something needs to change. If no one was listening, if no one was around to judge, what would you admit to in that moment?

"I was overreacting.""I was rude.""I came in hot."

Start by admitting it to only yourself.

Say the Real Reason Out Loud

This is where you start to dig deeper into yourself. Ask yourself what you were really reacting to? What were you really trying to communicate, in its purest form?        

For example, in the heat of an argument, a person might threaten divorce, without actually meaning they want a divorce, when what they could actually be saying, “I need you to see how serious this is, because I’m afraid that if you don’t, we won’t make it.”

Other honest messages we may be actually trying to say are:

"I felt ignored."

"I was afraid I wasn't being respected."

“I felt second-best.”

“I’m afraid you’ll try to control me.”

The goal is honesty, not justification.

Name That Assumption

Most reactions are built on assumptions we never say out loud.

"I assumed they didn't care."

"I assumed they were being selfish."

"I assumed they were trying to control me."

“I assumed they think they’re better than me.”

Once the assumption is visible, it often loses some of its power.

Our “Never Agains”

Many strong reactions are fueled by an invisible promise we’ve made to ourselves. Something happened to us in our past, and we’ve decided: never again.

• Never again will I let myself be taken advantage of

• Never again will I let someone make me feel small

• Never again will I let someone disrespect me

  
  

The problem is, in a valiant effort to learn from our mistakes, we sometimes overcorrect. We protect ourselves so aggressively that we damage the current relationship.

Understanding your Never Agains can help you see where you may be overcorrecting yourself into stubbornness. In this case, ask yourself: “Was my reaction a symptom of one of my Never Agains?”

The Fairness Trigger

Right before many emotional reactions, there is usually a thought. "This. Isn't. Fair."

In the split second before you erupt, your brain flashes through all of the reasons this particular situation isn’t fair to you. Thoughts like:

• I provide so much

• I’ve sacrificed so much

• This is a double-standard

• I didn’t sign up for this

There is something akin to black magic with the fairness thought in that it often gives us permission to escalate. To pop. To blow.

It feels justified. It feels righteous. It feels necessary. In this moment, our brain tells us, they need to see how upsetting this is to me.

And so, you show them.

You show them with your tone. You show them with your words. You show them with your volume.

Did It Work?

Now ask yourself this simple yet powerful question: did reacting that way get you what you hoped for? Did it work?

Did it create closeness? Did it create understanding? Did it solve the problem?

Usually, the answer is no. No, it did not.

In fact, what you often have now is the opposite result of what you started out hoping to accomplish.

So What Were You Actually Trying to Say?

To yourself, with total honesty, say what you were actually trying to say.

Were you trying to communicate:

• I need reassurance

• I feel hurt

• I want to matter to you

• I feel disrespected

• I feel alone

• I’m afraid for our future

• I need you to see me

  
  

Often, the intention is much softer than the delivery.

The Long Term Result

Keep this in mind: our short term, in-the-moment reactions can create long term distance. Over time, especially without proper repair, hurt feelings turn into resentment, and resentment turns into contempt… and contempt is extremely difficult to reverse.

So, the goal is not to become the world’s greatest apologizer, the world’s greatest apology gift-giver, the world’s greatest be-nicer-for-two-weekser, or the world’s greatest pretend-it-never-happened…er.

The goal is to prevent it from happening at all.

What Gets in the Way?

Usually, fear.

• Fear of being dismissed

• Fear of not being heard

• Fear of being vulnerable

• Fear of losing control

• Fear of being marginalized

• Fear of being disrespected

• Fear of encountering one of our “Never Agains”

Reactivity often protects us from those fears. Reactivity tries to protect us from our fears by standing up for us in those moments.

Remember a Time You Did It Differently

Finally, try to remember a time when you reacted in a way you were proud of.  Almost everyone can recall a moment when they stayed calm, when they spoke thoughtfully, when they responded instead of reacting. 

That moment is proof you can do it.

And that is the version of you relationships feel safest with.